Churchy men get more bent out of shape defending feminism than women do. We have proven this 1,000 times both in church experiences and in reactions we get from our articles. They can’t help the ingrained training they have received both in life and at church. It’s in their DNA to rise up with sword and shield to defend damsels in distress. These men have been spiritually castrated and raised in a gynocentric culture; they don’t know any other way except how to be subservient to their female counterparts.
So in the spirit of focusing on “solutions”, let’s find out how to be a successfully emasculated church male and give them the chance to identify themselves in the life they seem to want so badly.
Here are my top 10 pointers for our effeminate brothers, which is not exhaustive by any means, but will aid in the process of illuminating the "tender warrior" that has been lurking in the souls of passive church men since childhood.
1. Dress up for church – this is at the very top of my list because feminist men love to join the ladies in the fashion stakes. So if you truly want to show off your feminine side and get the ladies attention, dress according to female sensibilities. Be bold and wear that pink shirt, while at the same time making a massive statement you have crossed over and are not afraid to show a little “leg.” Wear those “Claytons” jewellery items (tie pins, shiny watches, fancy rings, gold pens), you know, the jewellery you’re wearing while not wearing jewellery. You will catch the ladies’ eye for sure but not as an attractive male, (that’s reserved for your alpha counterparts), but as a brother figure who they can feel safe with, and know you will look after them financially.
2. Hold hands during prayer – when the directive is given, do not hesitate to hold hands wherever possible. You’re a beta male now, so be proud in your resolve by showing the man praying next to you the soft touch of your hands. Look for opportunities whenever prayer mushrooms arise to get in tight with your brothers and be aggressive in your fondling for his hand next to yours. If he resists you know what to say, “c’mon John, you’re not afraid to hold hands are you?” John may be afraid for good reason, but if you persist, you will eventually shame him into doing it.
3. Sing heartily along with 'Jesus is my boyfriend' music – a big opportunity to show your true feminine side exists here. There’s nothing more effeminate than hearing a grown man sing love songs to Jesus. If you truly want to shine as a metrosexual, then you must loudly join in choruses like:
“I’m madly in love with you”
“You are more beautiful than anyone ever”
“There has never ever been anyone like you”
“I want to hear your voice, I want to know you more”
“I want to touch you, I want to see your face”
“I’m desperate for you; I’m lost without you”
These lines the ladies love and so when they see you singing them sweetly, they will want to confide and trust in you as a nice church man at one with their feminine hearts.
4. Don’t grip tight when shaking hands – the old beta male staple earns its place on my list for its unmistakable mark of identification one is truly emasculated. The “dead fish” or the “fishy handshake” is a strong indicator you have reached a massive metrosexual milestone in your quest to win the ultimate prize of sterilisation. This dainty way of communicating sends all types of messages that are still part of ongoing research. It reaches deep into what it means to be a beta male on so many levels. The ladies again feature in your net of passivity, picking up warm oestrogen-laden vibes from you as you offer the “hand” of sisterhood. Alpha males may quickly pull away in horror but don’t be perturbed in your quest for showers of blessings that come with being a eunuch in your own harem.
Speaking of handshakes, it is sometimes best to avoid them altogether in favour of the soft hug. This brings out your effeminate side and takes you to a whole new level of social suppleness. Remember, nothing says emasculation like a hugger targeting huggees in the church foyer. It also says “Hello! I want you pressed up against my body and locked there for a few moments.” Armed with this new sensory sensitivity you can sail into hug harbor and drop anchor. In a womanly way, of course.
5. Always offer to do the dishes after potluck – if you want to be a hit at church luncheons then you need to add this to your emasculation schedule. This is a definite crowd puller and indispensable when vying for the attention of the matriarchal hordes. Yes, let the alpha males sit back and enjoy the company of church women over desserts - who cares - you are on a quest for the highest honour that the church womb can bestow – spiritual castration. Your efforts will be noted by all who dump dirty dishes in your soapy water of contentment, just like the bully who spat on your shoes at school every day.......you rise to the challenge and wipe away the stains with the dishcloth.... .......you’re a nice man, remember that.
6. Be clean shaven – have no facial hair whatsoever. Now while clean shaven does not mean automatic emasculation, it’s a definite sign that oestrogen is flowing in the right direction. If you wish to go beyond what those seeking beta perfection are doing then you have to go the extra mile. Wearing facial hair can confuse onlookers and you may miss an opportunity to display your feminine virtues, so get it all off. Smooth skin, cologne and even some moisturiser will go a long way in building your very own fabulous image. The alpha males (when they appear at church), may be admired by your wife, but you will always have her confidence that the clean-shaven man in the mirror will never betray or forsake her authority.
7. Wear a big cheesy grin on Sabbath mornings – this fits in nicely with the "happy Sabbath" culture as the calling card of the emasculated churchy type. There is absolutely no way you can be on top of your impotent game without this up front, in-your-face accessory. Big happy smiley men coming at you in church is the hallmark of a gelded fraternity that only those who are partakers of know the pleasures. Nothing speaks more loudly and proudly than a man with a "Colgate" ring of confidence grinning from ear to ear to match his inner white knight.
8. Manage the kids for your wife – you must keep the faith here too. It’s an honour for the incumbent church man to be seen out back of the hall or in the mother’s room minding the kids. Make no mistake, if there ever was a duty cuckold husbands should perform, it's taking the pressure off mum while she does more important things like catching up with friends. Other ideas to make your wife’s day easier are, carry everything from the car when arriving at church, toilet the children regularly (its ok, it won’t be seen as creepy, you’re a trusted beta with no facial hair), bringing in the food for the potluck, looking after the kids while she listens to the sermon and don’t forget the big one...... making a display of your money going into the offering bag (she likes you to flash big dollars), it’s her moment of pride among onlooking pew-dwellers to see she married a cash fairy.
9. Do not upset anyone – if we were doing a painting, this would be the backdrop to any scene for the aspiring neutered male. If you have too strong an opinion, then check your male privilege because you will blow any chance of rising to the high peaks of a maternal icon in your church. Women don’t like controversy and are peacemakers at heart, so if you wish to remain in their good books you must fall in line on this. Always deflect and change the topic when the conversation begins to look like it’s becoming a debate - a sure sign that it's heading to difference of opinion - and you don't want that! When women speak, shut your mouth and listen intently because it is they who have all the wisdom and are more intelligent than men. Always consult and never make decisions on your own at church - a disaster you will pay for on the ride home if you think you are above her wisdom.
10. Believe in and defend feminism whenever possible – this last piece of advice to all our impotent brothers must underpin the very fibre of your passive being. If you forget anything, do not forget this essential basic instinct which was drummed into you as a child in the church–-women are your superiors in every way. Don’t fight this heaven-sent truth but embrace it with all the estrogen you can muster. When your wife first glanced at you as a potential suitor from across the Sabbath School floor, you felt it deep within your (yet to be activated) ovaries, and the dawning of your life as a spiritual transgender poltroon began. You must be a white knight whenever possible, even if the women you are defending don’t need defending. Take it as a sign that they are scared and helpless and can’t think or act for themselves.
Well there it is, in all its simplicity and complicity! Use this as checklist for furthering your quest to reach the ultimate goal of emasculation in an Adventist/Christian context. The methods here are guaranteed to send you well on your way to beta-bliss; brought to you by tried-and-trusted observations that have been well-documented over many decades within our matriarchal system.
You Go Girl..... I mean, boy…I mean……….forget it.
Danny Bell writes from Tasmania, Australia.